Why doesn’t she just leave?

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In today’s culture and society, there seems to be a reoccurring question that comes up regarding victims/survivors of domestic violence. The question I’m referring to is “Why does she stay in an abusive relationship”? Or “Why doesn’t she just leave”? From an outsiders’ perspective, it probably looks like the easiest solution to the issues the woman is currently facing. Just leave, and it’ll all be over with, but we as advocates for domestic violence know far better than that.

The society we live in has a lack of knowledge about the true dangers that come with actually leaving an abusive relationship. According to domesticabuseshelter.org, about 4,000 women die each year due to domestic violence. Of the total domestic violence homicides, about 75% of the victims were killed as they attempted to leave the relationship or after the relationship had ended. People stay in abusive relationships for many reasons. Some of those reasons include but are not limited to; fear, lack of finances, their children, pets, feeling like they have nowhere to go and the list continues because every individual is different and will have different reasons as to why they choose to stay.

As an advocate, it is not my job to judge; it is my job to listen, understand and offer a variety of options, resources and safety planning to ensure the well-being of my client. Those who do not work in the domestic violence field seem to have difficulty understanding that, as advocates, we do not push or persuade our clients one way or another. Ultimately the decision is up to them whether they want to leave the relationship. With that said, safety planning is essential during this process. The Domestic Violence Resource Center states that safety planning is creating a plan to keep you and any children and pets safe while living in an environment of domestic violence and abuse, preparing to leave, leaving, and after leaving an abuser. Safety planning is an ongoing process, and the National Center on Domestic and Sexual Violence has provided a personalized safety plan. Click on the link to view the safety plan: http://www.ncdsv.org/images/DV_Safety_Plan.pdf

Referring to the two reoccurring questions of “Why does she stay in an abusive relationship?" “Why doesn’t she just leave?" I encourage you to challenge society’s preconceived notions regarding domestic violence and why people stay. At the end of the day, we are all human, we all have a past, and we all deserve to be treated with respect, understanding, and compassion.

In closing, please watch the following video https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1yW5IsnSjo as NY Times best seller and domestic violence survivor Leslie Steiner further explains the common question; why does she stay?

Written by: Bernadette F., Union County Legal Advocate


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