Infidelity and Domestic Violence

People make all kinds of excuses for inappropriate behavior.  They make excuses for themselves, and excuses for the ones they love.  Many abusers make excuses for their behavior, both to their significant others and to the outside world.  Victims often tell us that their abusers accuse them of infidelity.

It makes sense to people from the outside world that if one person is the “cause” of the problems, i.e. s/he actively engaged in an affair, s/he deserves to be punished.  Please, do not misunderstand me, neither myself or Transitions believe that ANYONE deserves to be followed, abused, or otherwise “punished.”  However, in popular lexicon, we have seen this type of behavior normalized and even celebrated in movies, television, the news, etc.  That is the crux of this blog post, that abusers frame their abuse or stalking in the context of finding out if the person engaged in an affair, or because s/he engaged in an affair, and therefore, the public and even sometimes, their victim, do not hold the abuser accountable.

Examples:

Checking mileage of his/her vehicle because “I know you’re out running around”

Asking for receipts from shopping trips:   “You didn’t go to the grocery store; you probably went to meet somebody!”

Putting GPS Devices on Cell Phones/Vehicles because “I know s/he is sleeping around; I just need to prove it”

Physical abuse after looking at/smiling at/speaking to a member of the opposite sex:   “who’s that?!  How do you know that guy?  You’re probably sleeping with him.”

Examination/Assault of genitalia because “I can tell if you’ve been with someone else and I need to know.”

These are just a few examples that clients have told our staff members.  There are many others.

A study examining phone calls between people incarcerated for felony domestic violence and their victims found the following:

“We found that long-term disputes regarding infidelity pervaded nearly every relationship,” said Julianna Nemeth, lead author of the study and a doctoral student in public health at Ohio State University. “Even if it didn’t trigger the violent event, it was an ongoing stressor in nearly all of the 17 couples we studied.”

Often, when someone listens to another talk about his/her relationship, s/he thinks about what s/he would do.  If I suspected my partner was cheating, how would I react?  And because s/he is thinking about infidelity within the context of his/her (hopefully) healthy relationship, s/he may understand the stalking behavior.  It still is not acceptable, but it makes more sense to them.

Accusations of infidelity within a domestic violence relationship are most often baseless.  They serve to hurt the victim, to put them on the defensive, to do whatever it takes to convince their partner that they are not cheating.  The accusations also serve to embolden the abuser, because when he tells his story, about how his wife is cheating on him, people will believe him.  Later, when he calls her names or demeans her in public, no one will come to her aid.  She cheated on him, therefore she is worthless.  This not only serves to further empower the abuser, but also to make the victim feel more inferior and more isolated, as he has now turned their friends against her.

Whenever you hear about a new tracking device or app to see if your spouse is cheating, or hear about a scorned woman torching her house, take a step back and ask yourself some questions.  Does anyone deserve to have their movements tracked if they have done nothing criminal?  Do you want someone to be able to track all of your movements?  Does anyone deserve to be physically abused?  Is one person’s property, life, or safety more valuable than another’s?  If I am excusing this person’s behavior, would I excuse it if it happened to my brother/sister?