Building & Keeping Trust with Your Children After Domestic Violence

Young children may not understand exactly what is going down between their parents and caregivers, but they do know when they are in danger and they are good at detecting strong negative emotion.  When there is an abusive parent who is doing or has done damage, it is important for them to know that there is still a parent that they can trust.  Let that parent be YOU!

In order to build and keep the trust your child has in you, it is important to keep close to your child physically.  Keep your children close to you at this time. Kiss and hug them, look in their eyes when you speak to them. Smile and laugh at their attempts to be cute or funny.  Make sure that they get their meals and snacks – take the time to eat with them and to talk about normal things.

It is also important that your children keep a normal bedtime and playtime, as well as a daily bath. Reading to your children is especially important during this time – it will give a child a sense of security and safety to hear your calm and soothing voice as you read them their favorite stories.  Singing with them is also a very good way to help them remain calm and keep the trust you have built up in them.  The act of singing releases “feel good” chemicals in their brains and helps to calm their fears and build good memories with you.  Reassure them often that you and other trustworthy adults will do all they can to keep them safe from harm.  Assure them when the danger is past and your home is safe or you are in a safe place.

Older kids should know what your plans for safety are.  Let them take an active role in helping your family stay safe – this will make them feel less afraid when they know that they can do something to help.  Teach them how to call 911 in an emergency.  Keep a list of trusted family members, neighbors, or friends that they can rely on for help or to go to when they are in danger.  Become familiar with good hiding places and ways to get out of the house quickly in times of danger.  Talk to them about domestic violence – let them talk about who they think is responsible for it in the home.  Teach them not to get in the middle of adult fights or put themselves in danger by trying to protect you. 

They may feel mixed up and express confusion. They may feel that what happened is their fault.  Let them know that they are not responsible for fixing the family. Encourage them to talk to you.  If they do not want to talk to you, encourage them to talk to others that they can trust.  Writing in a journal or drawing pictures is a healing practice.  Let them know that you are doing all you can to keep them safe and provide them with a safe place.  Above all, encourage them not to dwell on their worries but instead focus on the positives in their lives, engaging in as many safe, enjoyable activities that you are able to provide for them. 

When your children see that you are doing all you can to keep them safe, their trust in you will give them hope for a safe and secure future. 

Submitted by Eckie