Penn State frat suspended for a year over nude photos – March 17, 2015

When I read headlines like this it gives me a sense of dread that students in our institutions of higher learning lack the conscience, morality, and basic human goodness that would prevent them from  behaving in such a manner.   The blatant disregard these fraternity members showed for other people’s bodies, their rights, feelings, and very lives exposes a disturbing level of ignorance about what is right and what is wrong in regards to our relationship with other people. 

Kappa Delta Rho’s website claims that it has been over a century that this fraternal order has been charged with developing “educated gentlemen who promote human dignity, positive relationships among men, and moral excellence of the highest ideals.”  Excellent - except for the fact that the frat members on Penn State campus evidently thought it was perfectly okay to use a private, invitation-only Facebook page to post photos of nude and partially nude women in sexual or otherwise embarrassing positions without their consent or knowledge.    

Below is a brief summary of what is expected of Kappa Delta Rho’s Gentlemen:

•      Treat everybody they encounter with dignity and respect.
•      Working diligently in the pursuit of their education.
•       Doing their share in the Fraternity and not being a burden to their brothers.
•      Serving mankind – because it is the right thing to do.
•      Serving as their brother’s keeper, holding each other accountable for their conduct,
•       And supporting their alma maters, so that Kappa Delta Rho can be regarded as a partner in the  development of all students. 

So what happened?  Why did the young men do such a thing?  Where was their moral compass?  

While a former member of the fraternity went to the police with printouts of the page and told how photographs of unsuspecting victims, drug sales, and hazings were published on the private page, how many other young men continued to engage in these activities until they were exposed?  How long would it have gone on?  Who exactly was the ringleader and who are the bystanders, who are the ones who either engaged or stood by and did nothing while people were being assaulted? 

Being a prevention education specialist, I truly believe that going into classrooms and giving programs that clearly outline the difference between the healthy touch and the mean and off-limits touching, is a good start.  It’s one thing to teach kids that they have a right to protect their bodies and that they should be absolutely clear about what is acceptable touching and what is not, and it is another thing altogether to teach them that not only do we have a right to protect our bodies, but we have a responsibility, a sacred trust, so to speak, that is placed inside of each of us to take care of others.  When we do not do this, we create havoc and damage – not only in the lives of our victims, but in our own lives.  This is not just from a legal perspective.  I am speaking of our mental and physical health, which depends upon the kinds of choices we make in how we treat and respond to others.  The worst thing we can do is normalize treating other people with ridicule, scorn, and the disrespect of inappropriate sexual contact. 

We are frail - in dire need of tenderness, love, and concern.  Every single one of us responds to kindness, to respect, to warm and loving touch in a way that brings health and happiness and a supreme sense of well-being.  Conversely, every single one of us responds to the meanness, disrespect, to the mean and hateful touch in ways that bring sickness and disease, sorrow and depression and a supreme sense of guilt, shame, and isolation. 

Psychology and psychiatry informs us that abusing others, especially in sexual ways, leads to unhappiness, despair, and ill health both for the perpetrator and the victim.  Make it illegal, people will pay their fines and do their time in our overcrowded prison systems learning new ways to take advantage of others.  Laws and the penalties that we establish to keep them, can only check bad behavior so far.  Our boys and girls, our men and women, need to be changed from the inside.  How do we do that? 

First of all let’s talk to our kids.  Talking about healthy friendships and relationships of every kind should be part of our normal, everyday communication.  We can start by explaining what it means to respect other people’s lives and their bodies.  We can explore how everybody gets one, irreplaceable body to live in throughout their whole life – how important it is to take care of our own and how important it is to take care of others.  While our children are still young talk about how important healthy friendships are – teach our children through example and through the discussions that we have with them,  that relationships can either make your life happy and worthwhile or can destroy lives and fill us with unhappiness and despair.  Give them many examples, stories and vignettes to get this concept through to them.  Sharing our own personal stories can be of a great benefit.  Then when it comes time to date and to possibly engage in sexual activity, your young people will already have the advantage of knowing the importance of choosing healthy ways of interacting with others.

Make talking about our bodies normal and comfortable.  Predators are much less likely to prey upon children whom they cannot control through shame or fear of talking about the personal areas of their body.  Your children and teenagers are much more likely to divulge any attempted sexual abuse when they already have open and comfortable communication with their parents or other trusted adults in their life. 

Have the kind of talks with your young people that explore not only the capacity for others to hurt us, but also our own capacity to hurt others. Stress how important it is to practice self-control and discipline in relationship to other people, especially when it comes to the jealousies and rage that can emerge from intense emotional relationships. 

Everybody is not a safe person; not every relationship is healthy or safe.  There are people in the world who do not have good intentions toward us, and sometimes we do not have the best intentions toward others.  We need to have those talks and guide our young people so they are well equipped in knowing the difference.  

Written by: Eckie Friar