Teaching Our Kids to be Kind: The Best Way to Prevent Bullying and Social Cruelty

Showing empathy is a lot more than just being able to see another person’s point of view!  Con artists and even child molesters can use this kind of tactic to convince their victims to trust them.  True empathy means that we value, respect, and do our best to understand where another person is coming from, even when we don’t feel the same way!  Empathy involves both kindness and seeing another person’s point of view.  This is why empathy is so important to teach children – it prevents not only bullying but all sorts of cruel and unfair ways of treating others. 

According to Rick Weissbourd, co-director of Making Caring Common Project, there are five main ways for parents and teachers to help develop empathy in kids.  The first way is to practice showing empathy to the children in your life, whether they are yours, relatives, or your students.  Be kind and openly express goodwill and compassion for others.  Kids feel valued when we show interest in what appeals to them.  They like us to get involved.  And they also like it when we respect their personalities.  When a child is raised with mockery and ridicule, he or she grows up thinking that to show kindness and compassion is a sign of weakness.  So treat our kids and other people like they matter – first of all because they do matter, and second of all, because kids notice how you treat them and will copy the way we treat them when they are dealing with others.

The second recommendation is to make caring for others a priority.  Set high moral standards.  Instead of saying:  The most important thing is that you are happy,” for instance, say, “The most important thing is that you are kind.”  This helps the kids in your life realize that they are not the center of creation!  It helps them realize that other people have feelings and needs that are just as important as their own.  Another thing you can do is make sure you are kind when talking about other people.  Refrain from gossip and rumors. 

Thirdly, provide plenty of opportunities for the kids in your life to practice being kind and showing compassion.  When developing any other skill, repetition is required until it becomes natural and comfortable.  Challenge them to listen to other people’s viewpoints and not interrupt, but wait their turn to speak.  Ask them how their day went at school and how other kids are doing in the classroom.  When other kids are not well-liked or having other problems getting along in school, talk to the kids you know about how they feel about that situation.  Come up with ways, together, that they can help out kids who are falling behind socially or being bullied.  

The fourth way is to enlarge the child’s circle of concern.  It is easier for all of us to be kind and show compassion to our immediate family and the people we know well.  It is the people we don’t know very well that provide an opportunity for us to strengthen and build empathy.  Talk about what is happening to people outside of your usual social groups.  Expose your kids, through books, movies, or experience to different cultures, different socio-economical groups, and different racial and ethnic groups.  Talk about and speculate about the feelings of people you do not know so well.  Talk about ways to help, encourage, and comfort those who are in a dire situation.  Encourage your child to talk about and speculate on the feelings of people who are particularly vulnerable or in need. Talk about how those people could be helped and comforted.

Finally, realize that bigotry and demands from their friends and schoolmates can go far in preventing kids to express their real concerns for others.  We can talk to kids about prejudice and stereotyping so that they know how to label and reject these insidious biases that can overtake our best intentions to get along with others.  Likewise, when kids are fighting and quarreling, it is almost impossible for them to show empathy.  We help kids cultivate self-control and govern their feelings a lot more effectively by having conversations with them about anger, envy, shame, and other destructive reactions.  As you find healthy ways to resolve conflict and manage your own anger, the kids in your life see you as a “work in progress.” They see that making positive changes in how they relate to others takes time and effort, even for adults. 

As a rule, teachers prefer students who are kind and compassionate over the best behaved students who are selfish and self-centered.  The same goes for moms and dads: Our homes are much more peaceful and happy when brothers and sisters feel deeply for one another and put each other’s needs over their own individual needs.  If classrooms and our homes can be so affected, picture this: Our world made up of such kids, growing into adults and being kind. 

Jessica Lahey, (2014). Teaching Children Empathy, Motherlode, living the family dynamic,             http://parenting.blogs.nytimes.com/2014/09/04/teaching-children-empathy/?_r=0

By Eckie F., Education Specialist