The Impact of Language

I recently watched this video called, “48 Things Women Hear in a Lifetime (That Men Just Don’t).” 

Now, I can agree that some of these things men do hear, or maybe a modified version. The biggest problem with these statements is what they teach people, the hidden message.

Some of the statements were as follows:

-He picks on you because he likes you.

-Don’t wear that to school, you’ll distract the boys.

-What were you wearing that night?

There were many others, obviously, but these are a few that I really see as harmful. They are subtle statements and at the surface do not seem that bad – they might even seem like compliments. Again I’ll agree that modifying them to say to a boy or a man would not be acceptable either; however, I do think that women hear these types of statements more often.

“He picks on you because he likes you.”

From a very young age, we teach our children that it’s okay that a person is hurting your feelings (mental harm) or pinching you (physical harm) because it just means he or she likes you.

“Don’t wear that to school, you’ll distract the boys.”

This statement teaches girls that they are responsible for boys’ actions related to their looks.

“What were you wearing that night?”

This, of course, places the blame of whatever happened on the victim. It teaches people that their clothing or other similar choices are the cause of sexual assault and rape. The only place that blame belongs is on the perpetrator.

I called someone out for a statement that I, as a woman, did not like to hear, even though it was not directed at me. The response? The women that were there told me to calm down. They told me that if his wife was okay with it, then it’s okay for him to say it. I’m pretty sure they even kind of gave me the message that I can’t be that picky.

But why not? Why can’t I be that picky? Why is it okay for a man to call his wife, “Woman!” in a frustrated tone? Why is okay for a man to say, “If only I had a woman who never said no to me?” Even if it is “just a joke?”

To me, our language matters so much. It’s those subtle statements that “aren’t that big of a deal,” that are actually a huge deal. It’s the subtle jokes, comments, etc. that further perpetuate violence against women and men too. There are messages and lessons we send through our language that we might not even realize. It’s the difference between calling someone a child prostitute and a commercially sexually exploited child (CSEC).  I know the former is just easier to say, but it tells the child that he or she is to blame, that they are worthless, and they can’t be helped. When we use the term CSEC, we give them hope, we tell them it’s not their fault, and we tell them we’re willing to help them.

When I get upset about these things it’s because I see the results of the language we use. I work with victims and survivors of domestic violence and sexual assault. It’s for their sake that I wish we would take ownership of the subtle things and change the way we talk.

In my personal blog, I usually write a “random thought” at the end of each post to inspire readers to do something different, as it relates to the post. So because I’m a huge fan of people stepping up to change things they do not like about the world, instead of just talking about it, I’ll include my random thought here too.

My random thought today is, what if we really thought about what we told our children? What if we listened to what other people said and called out their hidden messages, no matter how subtle? I challenge every one of you to pay more attention to the language you use and what messages might be hidden in that language. If something seems to be off, don’t use those statements or that language anymore. If you hear someone else say something that’s uncomfortable, challenge their statement and their thinking. Maybe they’ve never thought about it in that way before. Usually, they think what they’re saying is harmless, so they need to hear why it’s not harmless.

As a woman, and as a person, I choose to stand up against the subtle things and I hope you will too. 

Written by Missy H., AmeriCorps