Supporting Survivors Through Domestic Violence

Throughout the past couple years working with survivors, a few times I have heard clients say that someone in their support system stopped talking to them because they chose to go back to their abuser. Sometimes the person can’t handle seeing their loved one go through continued abuse, and sometimes they deem the act as “tough love,” hoping if they cut ties, their loved one will choose to leave and stay away from their abuser.

I am saddened when I hear this from my clients. In some cases, these loved ones have good intentions, but often with bad results. I understand the notion of tough love, but I don’t think cycles of violence and abuse are the place for tough love. There are an endless amount of reasons that survivors may return to their abuser, especially when kids are involved. Most of all, enduring abuse is psychological and traumatic. Experiencing trauma at the hands of an abuser creates trauma bonds in the survivor where they become psychologically bonded with their perpetrator. They become accustomed to the trauma and pattern of abuse and become willing to endure abuse for the sake of returning to the times when things are good.

Sharie Stines, a counselor with Lifeline & Education Inc. in Southern California, explains it this way:

“Victims stay because they are holding on to that elusive “promise” or hope. There is always manipulation involved. Victims are prey to the manipulation because they are willing to tolerate anything for the payoff, which is that elusive promise and ever-present hope for fulfillment of some deeply personal need within the victim” (pg. 1).

Keeping this in mind, we also know that isolating victims makes them more vulnerable to staying and/or returning. When walking with a victim through domestic violence, we must remember the effects of the trauma on the victim and support them no matter what. If friends or family abandon them because they return to their abuser, they will have fewer reasons and supports to attempt to leave again. In addition, with fewer supports, they may not have access to safe resources to help them cut ties from their abuser, which can make it more dangerous for a victim if they do attempt to leave. Abusers thrive off of isolating their victims.

It is extremely typical for victims to return to their abusers multiple times, for various reasons. If we want to see our loved ones find permanent safety and to one day break free for good, we must stick with them for the long haul. Threatening to abandon a victim if they return does not work because they are battling psychological bonds. Abandoning them in an act of “tough love” only puts them in further harm.

Having said this, it can be tremendously taxing and heartbreaking to see the pattern continue and watch our loved ones return to a toxic and dangerous situation. It is important for you to have a support system as well. At Transitions, we offer counseling to not only to victims but also to their family members as well. We are willing to be part of your support system as you walk through this difficult time with your loved one.

References

Stines, S. (2015, Oct 23). What is trauma bonding? Retrieved from https://pro.psychcentral.com/recovery-expert/2015/10/what-is-trauma-bonding/

Written by Missy H., Union County Legal Advocate