Gonna find out who’s naughty or nice…

The holiday season is looming, with parents and caregivers gearing up to manage children’s behavior with dire warnings about Santa’s omniscient gaze. Kids are encouraged to earn themselves a spot on the “nice” list, which typically means engaging in adult-pleasing pleasantries, like hugging visiting relatives, sharing toys with cousins, and playing quietly. Many well-meaning parents teach children that niceness is a virtue, and that pleasing others is a goal for which they should strive. Most parents admonish their children with phrases like, “Be nice,” “That’s not nice,” or “Nice little girls share with their friends.”  But, is “nice” really a trait that serves any person or relationship?

Children are naturally inclined to desire the praise of their caregivers. Their confidence is often derived from external sources, which can be problematic as they become adults who require healthy boundaries in order to have successful relationships. When we teach children that pleasing others is a hallmark of character, we create a framework for values that place accommodation above boundaries, external approval over sound judgment, and acceptance over self -assurance.  People who are taught to view niceness as the measure of a person’s worth, may avoid conflict at all costs and may subvert their own will, values, and instincts, for the sake of harmony. This can put individuals at risk for relationships with unequal power dynamics, codependence, and even abuse.

Build character by teaching kindness. Kindness flows from confidence and generosity, rather than obligation, while niceness derives from a desire to find acceptance and approval from others. Kindness is the tangible demonstration of internal values, without a sense of obligation. Kindness values recognition of the dignity and worth of others while acknowledging boundaries and limits; niceness seeks to gain approval.  Kindness does not subvert one’s own dignity and boundaries and does not place the approval of others as a priority.

Teach children boundaries as early as possible, and provide opportunities to practice firmness in setting them.  Start with small matters, like disagreements over toys. Ask the child, “Before Jane arrives to play, are there any toys that you don’t want to share with guests? Ok, I’ll help you put this doll in your closet. I know Jane may ask about your new doll, and you can explain that the doll isn’t one of the toys you share with guests. Let’s see if we can find a toy that you think Jane will really enjoy playing with.”

 Interactions with family members are a great opportunity to help children set boundaries. Encourage children to show kindness and respect for everyone, and to expect kindness and respect in return. During family gatherings, reinforce bodily autonomy by modeling consent. “Grandma would like a hug! Would you like to give Grandma a hug? It’s your choice.” “This is your cousin Matt. You played together as babies, so you may not remember him.  It’s very exciting to see family after a long time apart. Be sure to ask Matt before offering a hug.” Respect for children’s bodily autonomy can be an issue fraught with tension among family members; some may believe that submitting to a hug or kiss is a sign of respect, but parents can use any disagreements as a further opportunity to model boundaries. “I understand, Aunt Mary; you were hoping for a hug from Michael, but he doesn’t want a hug. He did say that he would give you a high-five, though, and he gives great high-fives!”

Let children see their caregivers practicing kindness, balanced with honesty, self-respect, and self-care.  When small children react angrily or rudely to a parent, respond with kindness and an emphasis on mutual respect. Rather than issuing directives, appeal to the child’s sense of empathy. Use statements like, “When you run in the house and scream, the adults aren’t able to hear each other speak. Will you please go outside for this noisy game?” Likewise, provide a good example of disagreeing fairly. When relatives congregate during the holidays, old rivalries and buried grievances can resurface. Refuse to tolerate, or engage in, intimidating language or other abusive behaviors. Allow children to see that adults can remain firm in their convictions while respecting others’ dignity.

The holidays are a time of family traditions. Rituals and family culture will build children’s sense of identity and belonging. Use this special time to encourage your child to develop strong relationship skills and healthy, unwavering boundaries. These moments are not just the basis for warm memories, but are also an investment in your child’s future relationships.

Written by Colleen K., Medical Advocate