An Open Letter to Parents

Dear Mom and Dad:

Stopping child sexual abuse before it happens is one of the best responses to child sexual abuse, but it is also one of the most difficult conversations to have with parents.  As a prevention educator, I puzzle over why some parents unwittingly fail their children in regards to taking the necessary measures to protect them from child sexual abuse. 

Admittedly, child sexual abuse makes us feel sick inside.  It fills our hearts with dread and our minds with confusion.  It is downright scary to contemplate that one of our friends or trusted family members may be a potential predator.  It is all too easy to tell ourselves that this happens to other people and in other families since nobody in our circles would dream of doing such a thing.  If only this were true. 

A father told me last week that he did not want to destroy his first-grader’s innocence.  “Why does she need to know about such things?  I do not want her to be afraid of people.  She is already shy and afraid of people,” dad said.  “And anyway, if anybody ever touched her like that, I would kill them.”  I could tell by the troubled look on his face that he would be prepared to take any measure to make sure that nobody would ever touch his girl like that again.  We continued our conversation, and I told the dad what I am writing now in hopes that they would be able to see how necessary it is for us to talk to our children in frank, honest, and natural ways about their bodies and touches.  

Educating our children does not teach them to be afraid of people. However, it does teach them some basic rules about touching that can go far in preventing child sexual abuse.  Teaching your kids the difference between safe and unsafe touches is a good start.  Kids as young as two can learn the definition of private.  Learning what parts of their body are private and need extra protection need not be scary.   Teach them that there should never be any secrets about touching – this makes sense to kids.  Why keep secrets about hugs and kisses and knuckle bumps?

It also goes a long way to call our body parts the real names.  Making up names for genitals can make kids feel that there is something shameful and strange about their private parts.  Speaking in matter-of-fact tones and using the words "penis," "testicles," "vagina," "vulva," "breasts," and "nipples," decreases their reticence in telling if someone does cross a boundary with them.   Children learn by example.  If you use respectful tones and language when communicating about the human body, they will do the same.  Increasing their level of knowledge also empowers children giving them an added layer of protection against unsafe touches from other children, teenagers, or adults who may want to use shame, embarrassment, and intimidation to their advantage.

I urge parents to take a stand and openly share your concerns about this issue.  Child sexual abuse flourishes in an atmosphere of secrecy, silence, shame, and other cultural and societal inhibitions.  The more we get comfortable talking about bodies and the need to touch others only in safe, consensual ways, the less likely sexual abuse and violence will thrive in our homes, communities, and worlds. 

Stressing a "no-secret" rule to touching is another way to thwart the designs of molesters who often tell kids to keep their touching a secret.  Let your child know that no adults should ever ask them to keep secrets about touching.  Assure your children that you will not be angry or upset at them if they tell you about adults, teens, or even children their age who wants to engage them in secret touching, no matter who it is.  When they ask you for help or report that someone has touched them in inappropriate ways, let them know that you will believe them and help to make it stop.  Assure them that no matter how angry you are, you will not do anything that will jeopardize their security.  Children will often not tell their parents, for fear of the parents' reaction.  No child wants their mom or dad to end up in prison in their efforts to protect them!

It is not necessary to drive yourself crazy with suspicion because most people do not molest children.  Still, some warning signs can act as red flags.  Pedophiles prefer to spend time with children over people their age. Pedophiles will often describe children with sexual connotations, using words like "hot" and "stud."  Often, pedophiles have a profession that puts them in constant association with children.  Kids love to be singled out and made to feel special, a common ploy for pedophiles.   Do not allow your child to spend one-on-one time with an older child or an adult that seems to have an undue interest in them.  Child sexual abusers often prey upon the children from single-parent homes.  They know that a single parent may be especially grateful for their offers to babysit or take the child on outings.  Do not allow your kids to sleep over at their friends' houses unless you know the parents well and have been to their home several times and have a good feeling about them.  Be direct and ask who will be there and what they will be doing.  Let people know that you are concerned about child sexual abuse and will ask any necessary questions and take extra measures to prevent it from happening.  Do not be afraid to trust your instincts and say no if you are uncomfortable. 

If your child is in any sports programs or summer camps, make a point to get to know all the people who spend time with your child.  This sends a clear message to everyone that you are aware and wary.  Experts say that sex abusers choose kids whose parents seem oblivious to the dangers of child sexual abuse.

Ask your child questions and keep the lines of communication open and honest between you.  Let them know that they can trust their instincts about others and that you will support the decisions that they make about staying away from people who make them feel uncomfortable.  Watch for any signs and act quickly if your child's exhibits regressive behavior; sudden unexplained anxiety; nightmares, or other unusual negative behavior.  End all contact between your child and the person who may be abusing them and call ChildLine at 1-800-932-0313 to report any suspected child sexual abuse.  Experts advise not to confront the suspect in person because this gives them a chance to come up with a defense.  As parents, we must sometimes make hard choices.  For the sake of your child, always choose the safety of your child over concern of offending questions, false accusations, or ruining the reputation of a guilty friend or colleague.   When children report sexual abuse and their parents believe them, support them, and get them help, they recover and go on to live rewarding, productive lives that fulfill them.  

Please consider calling Transitions and schedule a Stewards of Children or Care for Kids workshop.  We want to end child sexual abuse, and we cannot do it without you!

Sincerely,

Eckie Friar

Education Specialist

Transitions