The Harm of Shame

Individuals who experience domestic violence are diverse in socioeconomic status, personal traits, education, family status, history, and values. But nearly all share a common experience: their abusers exploit personal shame to exert control over their lives.

Few people reach adulthood without internalizing some sense of shame, whether derived from feelings of unworthiness, bullying during childhood, an unloving family of origin, cultural or religious beliefs, or even a particularly traumatic embarrassing moment. An abuser might utilize a victim’s private shame to diminish her belief in her ability to leave the relationship, her willingness to resist the abuse, or her ability to clearly articulate that she is undeserving of mistreatment.

Stigma and secrecy surrounding domestic abuse may compound feelings of shame in survivors. Otherwise supportive family, friends, and helping professionals can unwittingly contribute to feelings of shame with judgment, unhelpful suggestions, or a take- charge attitude. “Why don’t you just leave,” “I would never stand for that kind of behavior,” “I can’t believe you let him do that to you,” or “You obviously can’t help yourself, so I’m going to help you,” are all well-meaning but common statements that may add to feelings of unworthiness and shame. Lack of self-acceptance may contribute to a victim remaining in an abusive relationship, or returning to a new abusive situation in the future.

When providing support to a person who has disclosed that they are in an abusive relationship, or when assisting someone who has just left an abusive relationship, consider the following tips for encouraging confidence and self-acceptance:

Remind the victim of her history of good judgment.

An individual who has experienced domestic abuse may say things like, “I know I made bad decisions, that’s how I ended up here,” or “I know, I sound so foolish for going back a third time,” or “I was just plain stupid; I believed everything she said.” You can help counter these negative statements by pointing out specific actions that show an ability to make good decisions. Say, “It seems to me that you did everything you needed to do, to stay safe. You have had many frightening experiences, but you are here today.” Encourage her to view herself as the expert on her own life by saying, “You know better than anyone else, how your abuser is likely to react. You have shown that you can predict the safest option for you in any situation.” Commend efforts to leave the relationship by emphasizing timing: “You waited until the time was right; you kept the children safe and you left when you were most able, and clearly you made the right decision.”

Educate About Trauma Response

Just after a crisis, a person may need a great deal of sleep (or may be unable to sleep), may display unpredictable emotions, may be unable to eat (or may eat excessively), and may feel overwhelmed by everyday activities of daily living. These behaviors may cause the person to feel helpless and ashamed, especially if their needs and behaviors do not fit their perception of how they should be responding. Make reassuring and accepting statements; explain that a trauma response is a normal response to an abnormal situation. Label behaviors in the framework of mental health, in order to counter negative self-assessments. If a survivor says, “I’m so lazy; I didn’t even get up until noon today. I don’t know if I really can be on my own,” reassure with an explanation of post-crisis drain and the need for sleep after a traumatic event. When a victim is planning to leave the relationship, goal setting may be overwhelming, causing self-doubt. Remind the person that prolonged stress can distort the ability to accurately assess their own abilities by saying, “You’re already managing so many things right now; why don’t we break this into manageable pieces? It’s common and expected that excessive stress will affect your ability to complete tasks.”

Disprove False Beliefs with Facts or Reason

Even when a victim acknowledges an abusive situation, they still may retain negative beliefs about themselves that lead to feelings of shame. A person might say, “My mother always told me that I couldn’t survive without her because I’m too stupid. So I don’t know if I really will be able to get a driver’s license.” Respond by pointing out instances where the person overcame a false belief about themselves. “I don’t see any evidence that you’re stupid. You shared yesterday that your mother also told you that you wouldn’t be able to graduate high school, remember? But you did. Why do you think she may have said that? How did you feel when you realized that you were more than capable of getting your high school diploma?” Individuals who have experienced abuse are often convinced of their unworthiness by an abuser who says that they won’t be accepted by others. Appeal to a sense of reason to help fight feelings of inadequacy. “Dating is daunting for anyone, but I can’t see a reasonable cause for this belief that you won’t find someone who wants to date you. You wrote that you hope to find a partner who is calm, kind, enjoys reading, and is interested in American history. You have those qualities too. If you’re looking for a partner with those traits, it seems reasonable that others are looking for someone like that, too.”

Utilize Affirmations

Victims of domestic abuse often have negative beliefs about themselves, simply because they have heard negative statements repeatedly. Negative statements, no matter how seemingly unreasonable at first, eventually become internalized with repetition. Luckily, the same is true for affirming statements. Ask the person to repeat a simple, short mantra—something like, “I’m capable, brave, and deserving of happiness.” Reassure them that, while they may feel silly at first, they can change their inner dialogue through repetition. Encourage the use of positive affirmation audio, widely available for free on Youtube—simply search, “positive affirmations,” or “positive self-talk.”

Permission to Release Shame

Often, a person may carry shame because they are unaware of an alternative. Shame may become a matter of course, a part of daily life. Affirm their right to release shame. Remind them that they can give themselves permission to accept and love themselves, regardless of what others have said, and regardless of their own regrets. Try statements like, “You have the right to accept who you are, no matter what. No one can take away your right to love yourself, just as you are right now. You may consider yourself a work in progress, and it’s admirable to have goals. But you are also a worthy person TODAY.”

Resources

Here are just a few books that deal with self-acceptance, rejection of shame, and healing after abuse:

What You Think of Me is None of My Business, by Terri Cole-Whittaker

The Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom, by Don Miguel Ruiz

Radical Self-Acceptance: A Buddhist Guide to Freeing Yourself from Shame, by Tara Brach

The Gifts of Imperfection, by Brene Brown

Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers, by Karyl McBride

Children of the Self Absorbed: A Grown-up’s Guide to Getting Over Narcissistic Parents, by Nina Brown

  

Anais Nin said, “Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself.” The role of an advocate or support system for survivors of domestic abuse is to empower, support, and encourage. Assisting survivors with eradicating feelings of shame will transform survivors’ ability to be in the driver’s seat in their own journeys, embrace hope for their future, own the narrative of their lives, and celebrate the victory of freedom.

Written by Colleen K., Medical Advocate