Second Assault: Avoiding the Devastating Effects of Victim Blaming

In the course of life, many of us will become the recipient of a victim’s disclosure of abuse or assault. In the work of domestic violence and sexual assault counselors, assault or abuse disclosures are common. When a survivor discloses to someone who places blame on the victim, rather than on the perpetrator, many say they feel as though they are experiencing a second assault.  Each time a survivor shares their story and unburdens themselves of a very private and traumatic secret, the listener should be aware of the privilege and responsibility that comes with being trusted with a moment of exceptional vulnerability.  Just a few important words in response to a disclosure, can profoundly affect the course of the survivor’s healing journey.

Try using these phrases to communicate your support and acknowledgment of a victim’s experience:

“I believe you.”  Three powerful words can set the tone for the survivor’s internal narrative. If she plans to tell her story widely and seek justice through criminal or legal avenues, she will encounter distrust, suspicion, and unsympathetic interviewers. But when the first words she hears after the initial disclosure are, “I believe you,” she is affirmed and galvanized against less empathic responses.

“Thank you for sharing this with me.”  Honor the responsibility and implicit trust that the victim has placed by sharing her story. Thanking the victim for trusting you with her disclosure, communicates the understanding that it is not a burden, but a privilege, to be asked to hold space for an individual who is beginning the process of healing.

“You can trust me with this information.” If you are a helping professional, and the disclosure takes place in the context of a professional relationship, be sure to immediately explain the boundaries of confidentiality. Based on your professional role, your organization’s policies, state laws, and the age and legal status of the victim, you may have a duty to report some or all of the disclosure to authorities. Be clear about your duty to report. If you receive a disclosure in a non-professional setting from a competent adult, such as a friend or family member, reassure the victim that you will keep the communication confidential. Even if you believe that the perpetrator should be exposed, the victim has the right to decide what is best.

“I’m sorry that this happened to you.”  Express empathy and acknowledge the grief that follows a traumatic experience. Sharing a statement of sympathy illustrates that the victim has truly experienced a violation of her rights, and reduces worry that others will diminish its impact.

“How can I best support you right now?” In any conversation where an individual is asking for help in processing a negative experience or negative emotions, it’s helpful to ask the person for guidance in how to provide support. This affirms the person’s right to self-determination and empowers an individual when they may be feeling helpless, overwhelmed, or out of control.  If the survivor is unable to determine what kind of help they would like, offer concrete, meaningful choices. “Would you like me to just listen, or would you like me to offer suggestions about how I can help?”

In offering support and emphasizing that you believe the survivor, you can avoid statements that hint at victim-blaming. Blaming statements can damage a survivor’s confidence, as well as the hope of success in seeking justice. Avoid questions that probe the person’s motivation or credibility—“Why did you wait so long to tell someone,” “You never seem like you’re afraid of him,” or “Did you ask him to stop,” are all questions that can be easily answered by a cursory review of mental health literature and abuse statistics. For more information about psychological and social issues that lead to failure to report, denial of abuse, and loyalty to an abuser, visit PCADV.org or PCAR.org.

When a survivor of abuse or assault discloses their experience, it’s helpful to remember that, unless you are a law-enforcement official who has been assigned to investigate the incident, it is not your duty to assess the merits of the victim’s claim. A peer-reviewed study showed that 2% of sexual assault allegations are false (Heenan and Murray, 2006). Other studies have found the false reporting rate to be between  5.9% and 7% (Lisak, Gardinier et al., 2010; Lonsway, Archambault, and Linsak, 2009). All peer-reviewed literature of sexual assault concurs that false allegations are rare.  

The aftermath of sexual assault is life-altering for a survivor. The initial disclosure is a pivotal moment, one that can define a person’s perception of the ability to find support and healing. We can all mitigate harm, as well as make a lasting impact on the survivor’s ability to persevere, by believing and supporting survivors.  

Written by Colleen K., Medical Advocate