How Men Can Fight Domestic Violence

Recently, the #metoo campaign has received a great deal of online attention. Women share their stories of harassment or assault to bring attention to the widespread nature of sexual harassment and sexual violence. In response, some men have been using the hashtag #HowIWillChange to speak out about ways they will contribute to ending harassment and sexual assault.

Much like sexual violence, domestic violence disproportionately affects women. And like sexual violence, domestic violence against women is influenced by institutional sexism, cultural misogyny, and widespread acceptance of subjugation of women. Men are also victims of domestic violence, rape, and harassment, but crimes against men have wildly different causes, solutions, and societal response. While violence against men is influenced by expectations of gender roles, violence against women is overwhelmingly a gender-based issue. Long-held cultural, societal, and religious traditions provide protection and reinforcement for the idea that women are subject to the authority of men, and that virtue lies in maintaining the status quo of a profound imbalance of power between the two ends of the gender spectrum.

Throughout history, feminists have dedicated their lives to progress toward gender equity. But men don’t have to be silent supporters; it’s crucial that everyone participates in creating a cultural climate of equity and respect. Men can advocate by refusing to benefit from normalization of domestic violence, by using their platforms to talk openly about violence against women, and by modeling healthy masculinity to others.

Many men benefit from a culture that normalizes domestic violence, even those who don’t actively engage in abusive behaviors.  A lower standard can be used to take undue credit for baseline behaviors of acceptability in a relationship. “At least I don’t hit you,” or “Most of my friends don’t even let their wives have access to their checking account,” are unacceptable ways to negotiate standards in a partnership. Men can push back against domestic violence by refusing to accept abusive behavior as the norm and refusing to take credit for exceeding a baseline that includes violence and control.

The acceptance of domestic violence as a normal part of relationships is rooted in acceptance of unhealthy examples of masculinity. Men can demonstrate the strength of healthy masculinity by normalizing egalitarian family decision making, participating equitably in the division of labor, and demonstrating restraint and non-violent communication in parenting. Fathers should encourage their children to develop an ability to describe and express their emotions, regardless of gender, and can model gender equality by allowing children to develop interests naturally, without encouraging hobbies and behaviors to be aligned only with what is traditionally perceived to be gender appropriate.

Men who show restraint by avoiding physical violence toward children demonstrate that force and coercion is not an acceptable method of negotiating disagreement. Decades of research has shown no benefit to the practice of hitting (or “spanking”) children but does increase the likelihood that children will be either victims or perpetrators of domestic violence. When children are raised in a home where they experience violence as discipline, they learn that some forms of violence are appropriate and deserved and that the smaller, more vulnerable person cedes control to the larger, stronger person. Gentle parenting methods have equal or better outcomes than discipline that includes violence or coercion through force and have the added benefit of modeling self-control, compassion, and respect for the dignity and autonomy of others.

Men who use their privilege to influence others to confront misogynist attitudes are the best weapons in the fight against domestic violence. When abusers find lack of social acceptance for their actions, they are more isolated and are forced to confront the disparity between their behavior, and behaviors that receive support from peers. Even small comments can squash a culture of misogyny in men’s social circles. Allies needn’t lecture or engage in dramatic confrontations; a simple “that’s over the line,” or “wow, that’s not cool,” can discourage thoughtless jokes and comments that subjugate and oppress women.

Domestic violence is a global problem with victims across the gender spectrum. But while gender equality has made immeasurable progress over the past century, women are still six times more likely to be victimized by domestic violence. As we continue to create a culture of respect and equality, men must join the conversation and take action to create a culture that rejects any and all violence against and subjugation of women. 

Written by Colleen E-K., Medical Advocate